Try Not To Bleed On My Couch, I've Just Had It Steam-Cleaned

Ethon (Incomplete), Prij, 27/04/06

Shit, I slept-in - I had to meet my history lecturer today. I threw open the curtains - argh, it's already dark... must be 4 o'Clock, the Sun's set. I dive over the bed to the alarm clock: 04:00 AM?

We talked for an hour, initially about my absence and what I had missed, but quickly it became an informal chat - views of the world, interesting things we'd read in the newspapers. A good lengthy face-to-face chat is something I always enjoy immensely - something I haven't really done in about two years since leaving school. Thinking back to our discussion, my history lecturer (sociology last year in the NC course, and more importantly the class guidance figure over both years) holds a very unique position - guidance-wise she's almost a second more like-minded mother, but otherwise the only person over 40 who comes closest to being described a friend. I particularly got on with my politics and communications lecturers, but not nearly the same level of personal exchange. On an egotistical note, this seems to validate the claim that I was far too mature-minded to be 15 years old.

We came to agreement that there was no point in returning to classes, since there's nothing left to teach so close to the end of term. I'm completely disillusioned with college, so I'm not doing another course - so back to square one. There may be a summer job on the horizon. What lies beyond?

[256]

Turns Our Silhouettes to Gold

I couldn't sleep in that strange time between Saturday night and Sunday morning. I got into bed at 0345 with the curtains slightly open. I tried to rest my eyes by focusing at infinity (the sky), only to notice it was rapidly getting brighter outside. I got up to take a picture of some very red clouds and noticed I'd missed a moonrise in twilight by an hour. I went back to bed and was still awake by 0430. Sunrise is at just under 0500 at the moment, so whilst I was up I took the opportunity to go into the living room, looking NorthEast, and watch the sunrise.

I Don't Want Virtue To Exist Anywhere

"Uncultured Swines of the World, Presume You're Already United and Hopefully Not Bother For All Our Sakes", Prij, 18/05/06

The Grauniad, which I only use to pass those few extra minutes that sometimes remain, had a full back page advert for the new series of "Big Brother" - oh how the masses love our new Orwellian future™. There was also a slightly smaller BB7 ad in my beloved The Independent which also got the overdue culture-jamming treatment (ironic given this feature, which I hand copied whilst reading it, expecting it to be a pay article on the site). You'll have to make do with the above recreation until I get a picture of the ad tomorrow.

Yo Soy Un Hombre Sincero

(Closeup on) Match, Light, and Torch, Prij, 13/05/06

Two years ago (May 14/15th 2004) the "senior prom" up in Glasgow had ended, we were bused back to the school and then off to sleep or continue partaying. Having purchased two fine Bolivar Habana No. 3 cigars at the hotel bar for £6.50 each (where the others went for the cheap cigarette-looking ones), I cut the end off one, took a match, and lit up under a streetlight - unfortunately not in black & white.

Having walked a friend home (but not a female friend, and not her - simply because she didn't go) and discussed my torch-carrying for her, I continued off home, which given where my friend lived, made the journey somewhat longer - so I whistled old tunes, one hand in pocket, and puffed for another half hour - until the bloody thing went out and I'd left my matches with another friend.

I've still got the other No. 3 unsmoked, waiting for a sufficiently celebratory event. And for £6.50 (as well as the fact that I don't know anywhere locally that sells them), I have high standards for said "event". I think getting laid qualifies...

[194]

I Am Stronger Than Mensa

I don't think there's ever been a greater contrast in the music I've listened to: Faster, Manic Street Preachers, The Holy Bible, 1994 followed by Wichita Lineman, Glenn Campbell, Wichita Lineman, 1967 (lovely drumming at the end). I hold that up as a sign of my musical diversity, and I'd put on some late-50s doo-wop if I was in the mood.

Since the world continues to try and crush me into submission, I look to the Manics before they became middle-aged stadium rockers - ie, The Holy Bible era.

[On Top of the Pops] lead singer/guitarist James Dean Bradfield [wore] an IRA-style balaclava as part of the band's new military image [...] The band have said since that the reason for this was because they [...] believed that having a unified, militant image would bring them together again. (Wiki)

Draw strength. You'd think I'd get depressed listening to THB, but it's oddly the other way around. That also applies to The Smiths - contrary to people's conception that The Smiths are inherently depressing, Morissey made some very clever and funny songs. It's probably not the music that's depressing, it's the context.

[204]

The Push and Shove

Selbstmörder, Édouard Manet, 1877

I can't summon the will to go to college. I went in this afternoon to read the papers (as last Friday), but I didn't go to European Studies, even though I like that class. I'm not going to Psych or Sociology anymore, since I wasn't enjoying those and when you've failed the course, like moi, you can go to whatever classes you want: It's only after you lose everything that you're free to do anything. At least until June 9th. I should probably use all that free time to write that optimistic series of posts I've been meaning to write for about 3 months - might go some way to explaining why I, and the rest of society, can't be bothered with anything anymore. I'll need to go in tomorrow since my brother doesn't have another exam until Tuesday.

[149]

Why Do You Say No? (I Refuse)

I fail to see why I should write at length about something I have verbally demonstrated that I know, and that everyone knows I know - just because the SQA is an inhuman statistical analysis machine, stratifying adolescents into the dysfunctional society their predecessors created. If that doesn't demonstrate education isn't about learning, you really haven't learnt anything.

So I'm supposed to bite my tongue, pass all the subject outcomes, go through uni... and then I can go down the different avenues of thought posed by the regimen topics of formal education.

I just failed Intermediate 2 Modern Studies, but they let me do Higher Modern Studies. I almost passed NC Social Sciences, but they let me do HNC Social Sciences. The teachers at school and the lecturers at college actually know me and my intelligence. The SQA, however, knows me as a 9 digit number with letters assigned by the percentage of correct answers from exams. ie, it does not know me.

"It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education." – Albert Einstein

Based on a drafts written 20/10/05 and 09/02/06
[177]

The Quiet Life

For years, you could find me up at 4AM on some summer night, 40 or more Wikipedia tabs open in Firefox, trying to read them all and get some sleep, only to follow another 3 links and have more tabs open than before - I meant to come up with a name for that, a few years ago. For a number of months now, I've barely had more than 5 tabs open, and then last night/this morning I was still up at 0530 having finally closed all my tabs and bookmarked any links for later in the day.

Why does it have to happen in the middle of the night? Why not that hellish time between 1900 and 2230 when I'm dying of boredom. Yeah, sure I could go out, but the light! Speaking of which, my obsession of trying to photograph the disc of Sol at sunset goes on. The above's the best shot from May 8th, with an interesting optical effect inside the camera.

[169]

All That We See or Have Seen

A Prounen, El Lissitzky, 1925

From last Tuesday's post:

[...]you can cease to hold particular feelings toward someone overnight (at least, consciously - whether my dreams will betray me...)

Touché, my unconscious mind. I had a dream fairly similar to the one I had a few weeks ago and I was obviously still thinking about the world war research I mentioned in my last post, as the relevant 'act' of this morning's (lunchtime to the rest of you) dream took place at some sort of conference on the world wars, just after the lunch meal. Opposite at my table was her. I looked at her, and once again that was it.

The rest of my dream had something to do with The Simpsons (which I've been watching far too much of lately) and a small stream, which I can't say has been on my mind - can't say there were any red curtains either.

I woke up feeling crap thanks to dreaming of her when I'm trying to fucking move on. I'm trying not to think about it, or I'll end up in a depressing spiral of regret. I've realised that I've just listened to WXJL Tonight twice in a row. I can only hope I speak fluent French in the morning.

Just when I think I'm winning, when I've broken every door
The ghosts of my life grow wilder than before
Just when I thought I could not be stopped
When my chance came to be king
The ghosts of my life grow wilder than the wind

[263]

Transition/Transmission

Last night's thunderstorm must have been cathartic, either that or I went to college because The Padre was off work today, thus being unable to stay at home. Yes, venturing out to an education establishment I haven't been near since April 18th; and before that March 30th - not that I actually went to a class, I just read the papers and did a pit of personal research on World War II.

In fact, my light and (by my standards) happy mood - I'd fatally overdose on happiness if I had a girlfriend, though that would probably ruin this blog - could very well be attributed to the clear and unheavy skies today. I might actually be in the mood to write about humans in a positive fashion - just don't expect that series of posts anytime soon.

He's a European Legacy, a Culture For Today

Roses, Henri Fantin-Latour, 188x

The past week has gone by quite slowly, rather than it's usual thundering pace, which tells me I'm out of another depression. The obsessive tendencies of the past two weeks have stopped.

Last Thursday I sat up in bed at 0340 and wrote another (less vague) hash of Low 4/4, mainly for myself. It was one of those 'teenage disappointment' style pieces I seem to write too often these days - I don't want this to end up a diary. Anyway, it helped me get a number of things off my chest (or more accurately, one person out of my mind). It's somewhat disturbing how easily you can cease to hold particular feelings toward someone overnight (at least, consciously - whether my dreams will betray me...).

I'm thinking about getting my hair cut... On an almost totally unrelated note, I'm just thinking, did Bowie make instrumentals fashionable (particularly ones that flow into the next)? The Human League's first two albums (1978 and 1979), Spandau Ballet's Diamond (1982), Simple Minds' Empires and Dance (1980), and Ultravox's Vienna (1980) have them.

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