The Reverse Will

Skrik, Edvard Munch, 1893

About twelve years ago my brother and I got pet goldfish. They died a number of times, probably due to our negligence; but we were unaware as our parents had replaced them, overestimating our attachment to the point of driving up the motorway to the pet shop in Renfrew one morning. To say that we were upset about this would be an outright lie, truth be told I pretty much forgot we had them - the cat was the centre of attention. Pet fish are really an entry level pet, the sort that a child can make a fatal error without having any serious mental scars. Ashes to ashes, flush to flush. Later on my cat disappeared. He was older than me by a few years so it was all but confirmed he went to find a place to die. Still, the ambiguity makes denial easier, and I wasn't as upset as I would in a more clear cut situation - as when my second cat was run over. That was much different because I had her from kittenhood. Animals do have personalities. Despite not witnessing it, her death is quite clear in my mind. That led to an excruciating post in 2005 that I'm not going to link back to.

Now this week my grandmother has died. I've seen this coming for a number of years and I was prepared, but now that it's happened it can't be true. I'm writing this before the funeral, so maybe it hasn't sunk in yet. I feel a bit guilty because this isn't making me as depressed as losing my cat. As we look back, it seems there's a progression of bereavement: from minor pet like a goldfish or hamster, to the major common ones like cats and dogs, to an elderly relative, then to your parents. When you reach the end of this you slot into another person's progression. Finally you die and bereave someone. Each step (up or down?) this ladder brings you closer to understanding the price of sentience. Now that I've stepped onto the human part of this process, the more I remember my grandmother and think about her death the more I feel some terrifying realisation coming to the surface. And it can't be true.

From their house and material possessions within it, to the memories whether they be organic or digital. All this stuff is still around, but the person is not. We're preserving the memory of a person but not yet the person. And it leads to a cognitive dissonance where you choose to believe someone has just gone away for a long time. Hence the way death is often described to children. That lie won't last forever whereupon religion takes stage and forms a nice comfy crutch. If you're good you go to heaven! Whereas in the real world the government takes away your benefits for doing too much charity work.

As an atheist and 'believer' in the hard sciences, despite being a student of the 'soft' social sciences, quantum physics sometimes comes across as unscientific or magical in our orderly Newtonian world. One day the universe will sadly end. I read a wild interpretation of the Big Bounce theory that said because quantum physics would take over, the improbable would become probable and we'd all come back just the way we are. That would be nice, but let's face it - we've traded one crutch for another. And even I quite like that one.

[596]